From Burden of Self, Spring 2010

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Possibility of Being Seen

Posted by Katie

I'm not sure which class it was (the first one, perhaps?) when I brought up Sloane Crosley's essay The Pony Problem.

“I have something for you,” a guy will say on our first date. “Is it a pony?” No. It’s usually a movie ticket or his cell phone number or a slobbery tongue kiss. But on our second date, if I ask again, I’m pretty sure I’m getting a pony.

In her essay she goes on to talk about why she finally decided to get rid of these ponies, stating that if anything were to suddenly happen to her (sudden death, beaten severely and left in a coma in the hospital for years, what have you) there would be no explanation to her family and friends as to why there is an entire drawer in her house filled with ponies. What would her family and friends think about this pony drawer? She would no longer be around to explain how these ponies accumulated. People would come to conclusions that she would not be able to confirm or deny. This thought was enough for her to get rid of them.

While it is a really nice warm fuzzy thought that one would be able to be his/herself in their own home, it isn't possible. Even our most personal of spaces we keep groomed in certain ways to maintain a certain level of appearance to others. Originally when reading this weeks prompt I thought, 'well sure, we can be ourselves at home', but then realized that even that is not true. The possibility of being 'seen' follows us into our living spaces.

Here are a few very stereotypical examples that may or may not be true for some men or women, but illustrate a bit better what I am trying to get at.

-Guys who invite a lady friend over to their place for the first time probably do so making mental note of things that are put away: Maxim or Playboy's stashed under sink. Any stuffed animals or blankets from childhood are hidden under the bed or in the closet. Internet history is cleared in case you want to watch funny YouTube videos with said lady.

-Ladies who invite a guy over to their place for the first time probably do so making a mental note of things that are put away: any sort of girly magazines/tabloids (Cosmopolitan, People, US Weekly) are properly hidden. Anything that could be cited as evidence that women bleed once a month is properly stowed away in the bathroom. Big, comfortable cotton underwear hidden so as not to lose sex appeal. Any stuffed animals or blankets from childhood are hidden under the bed or in the closet.

Even if one had a place all to themselves where they never invited anyone, if something were to happen to them, someone would end up cleaning the house or apartment for them. A little over a year and a half ago there was a friend of mine, Big Joe, who passed away back home. He was in his early 30's, and it was a sudden, shocking, and horrifying thing for his family and all of us friends to face. I had called my friend Raul who was still living up there at the time to see how he was doing and if he needed anything. He said no, and he was doing as well as he could in such a situation. A few moments later his voice broke, I could hear him trying to fight back heaving sobs. 'I don't want to go clean that house. It'll be me and the boys cleaning his house'.

I could understand why he would be so upset that it would be the boys all together for the first time minus one of them. I then thought to myself, his family is still around, his sister and parents are still there, weren't they going to help clean out the house as well? I asked him if the family was going to help. To which he replied, 'Of course they are sweets, but the boys and I are going to start. There are some things a mother shouldn't have to see'